Why I Do Hot Yoga

"Sometimes you can even have flashbacks," she says. The class is almost over at this point. We're all on the ground, heaving; regurgitating our hot, sweaty breath, perpetuating the heat in the hot sweaty room. It's actually the work of our lungs that makes the room a giant convection oven, not the central heating. We're all on the floor on our soaked beach towels, trying to slow our heart rates. I've already leaked out of every single pore in my body. Nothing remains dry.

"This is a very intense yoga practice, and a lot of emotions get pushed to the surface as a result. Sometimes you might cry, or get extremely angry. Sometimes you can awaken old injuries from a long time ago, or discover new ones that you've always had but were never aware of. Sometimes you can even have flashbacks."

Mahnaz is the owner of the Bikram Yoga Studio in Westlake Village. She is a tiny woman, just over five feet, and she is made from rock. Every single part of her body is completely lean muscle. Mahnaz is a fantastic woman. She looks like she's in her late thirties, but talks as though she's in her seventies. She talks as though she's has already felt the world. She's kind of magic, in a way. I never really see her sweat all that much. Her hair falls perfectly straight over her olive shoulders. One time I saw her drinking a smoothie from Jamba Juice. It was the only time that I've witnessed her doing something normal.

Mahnaz likes to talk a lot during yoga, especially during the second half of class. I think it's because we're all burning out, and she's trying to take our mind off the suffering. Even though lately it doesn't even feel like I'm suffering that much anymore. Mahnaz is also the only teacher who walks us through our final relaxation. I guess it's the only way she can guarantee that we're all letting our bodies recharge a little.

As soon as Mahnaz said the word, "flashback," it vaporized and condensed right into my skin. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Bikram Yoga is a painstaking experience. Every day, I try to prove to myself that I am strong. The practice is incredibly draining. Painful. Exhausting. Depleting. When I practice Bikram Yoga, I have these flashbacks. Suddenly, I'm sick again. I'm weak and bloated and miserable. In the class, I feel dizzy, I lose my sense of self, and I feel like collapsing into the floor. When I was sick, I couldn't walk more than fifty feet without having to sit down. Something would happen inside me. To call it weakness is to inaccurately describe it. I would become overwhelmed by the weight of my body. Suddenly, I couldn't support my own weight. My spine was cumbersome. My paper bones could barely support my lead skin. I had no choice but to submit and crumble to the ground, ashamed of my own illness.

Something similar happens in yoga. I know there's a strength inside me, but I occasionally become overwhelmed by the task at hand. The pose becomes too much, my body shakes, and I have no choice but to recoil and collapse into myself. My body is panting. It's not only my breath that I can't catch. I can't catch my organs, I can't find my muscles, I lose my strength. I have to internalize myself and find it again. I have to push through and continue the practice. Whenever I feel so overwhelmed, I see it as an opportunity to face my demons. I witness my own insecurities, I see my shortcomings, the previous failures of my body. And I have to conquer them. I have to stand up, brush myself off, and push harder than before.

Every yoga class, I face the End Stage Renal Failure. Every yoga class, I do everything in my power to conquer it. And every class, I feel my body get a little bit stronger.

Some days, I collapse halfway through and can't pull myself out of the overload. Some days, I never falter once. I've learned that my body will never be perfect. I must be patient with it, and push it hard, but let it grow by itself.

"Sometimes you can even have flashbacks," Mahnaz said.

For the rest of the yoga class, I shattered Wegener's Granulomatosis into a million pieces. It's days like this that make me feel like I can conquer anything. First my Bikram Yoga class, then the world.