I felt like the first entry should be special and resemblant (well, that's not a word) of who I am. Today, I am 16 [years] and 34 days old. I used to have a black suede journal which I had written in since I was 13 years old. I lost it on a stupid airline flight to a fucking Alaskan cruise.
Oh well. I currently believe that a journal isn't a necessity until you're 16 anyway. Maybe that's when reading this will be an actual interest. I like this journal. You can easily rip the bad pages out. If you truly, deeply regret them.
Right now, I try not to have regrets. It's easier. Right now, I'm a closet bisexual. Tonight however, that secret is leaking out, for the first time in my attention (nice grammar there, Ryan). I am not ready. I don't know when I'll be. But I know it's not now or tomorrow or next week.
Tonight, I plan to kneel beside my bed, and pray to a god I'm not sure I believe in for the first time in my life.
For my sanity. For a maintenance of order. For my reputation (There was one?). For my disease. For me, and my future.
I do feel "emo" right now (...you think?). But I am writing how I feel. Why would I lie to you? This journal feels great. Better. Right. My writing grows ambiguous. Goodnight.
September 30th, 2005
Let me elaborate on my disease aforementioned, although I doubt I'll ever forget the weeks of grueling pain (Nice use of the word aforementioned. Wait...).
I developed a disorder, HSP, where my blood vessels swell, and my joints ache, and my kidneys fuck themselves up. Fun.
This disease, however, HAS managed to fuck up my social and school lives. I need home schooling because I'm too far behind, and my severe exhaustion prevents any social outtings with my friends. Death, I know.
Guess what else? Some asshole is believed to have started huge brush fires that are currently attacking (Another winner). I had to EVACUATE my house. I packed my memory and letter boxes, my RENT shit, my guitar, and clothes. WHOO!
I'm going to sleep, but I am safe at home. I'm just wishing I'll either die or get better.
