Why Jesus is Funny

I signed on to "jack'd" again. I was bored, avoiding my homework, and I'd already refreshed Facebook like 36 times. So I signed on to "jack'd." "jack'd" is a homosexual iTunes application. All it takes is a profile with some flattering pictures and decent statistics. You sign online, find a Prince Charming in your area, and he'll come over and plow you into the wall. People sign on to these applications so they can feel loved. They want that Prince Charming to come, and cling to the feeling until it's real. Consider it a really grown up yet fucked up fantasy. We fuck and get fucked until we find that one person it feels magical with.

I mean, that's the primary use for it, anyway. There are plenty of stages and variations; the older man who's likely married and permanently locked into his closet by his oblivious wife, the predators who just want to feel young again, the straight guys who can't come to terms on the outside with the person that lives on the inside. They're all on there. And then there's me. I've never pursued a disposable, one time use person from this application. In fact, I rarely do anything at all with it. Sometimes I answer, but it's only when someone really sparks my interest. My primary criteria isn't a big dick, or a six pack or a golden chest. I look for someone who stands out among all the "ur hot"s and "let's fuck"s. I guess my Prince Charming doesn't need to put on a glass slipper and fuck me to show me he's the one. I just need some sort of thoughtful or intelligent provocation that shows me that maybe there are other people on these sites who function on a level higher than sexual pleasure.

I rarely ever find them anyway. I guess the difference between me and other people is that I'm looking for a real Prince Charming, not a single-serving throw away.

Well, it appears that I have finally found my man. Last night, I got an incredibly profound and meaningful message from one Jesus Christ, and he penetrated my heart and soul with his eloquent and brilliant speech. I love nothing more than to hear about the damnation of my soul. It really gets me hot, let me tell you.

All joking aside, I'm used to the antigay enthusiasts. They don't even bother me in the slightest, vaguest sense. I actually just thought this was completely and totally hilarious. First of all, let's actually pretend that this is the Jesus Christ who has reached out to me on this fine evening. This must inevitably mean that Jesus H. Christ has purchased an iPod Touch (or even better, an iPhone 4). After his brand new purchase, Jesus eagerly unwrapped his pristine and innocent toy, and proceeded to download the "jack'd" application. Then he sought my profile out, and messaged me.

Jesus's profile wasn't the most well executed endeavor, but you know, I can't expect my dream man to be absolutely perfect. His only pictures are of cross with lightning bolts shooting down behind them. And don't get me wrong, I'm not against the appreciation of powerful imagery, but I just would like a visual of who I'm talking to you know? Who knows how Jesus looks nowadays? Also, since you're all curious, Jesus currently lives in Modesto, California. He's 99 years old (not too shabby), 8'2" (love me some tall guys), and only 200 pounds! Damn, I bet Jesus is in pretty good shape. Like, he probably looks slammin' in some skinny jeans.

So I got an email from Jesus. It was like a sign from above. Who cares if the words were anally raped in a grammatical sense? Who cares if most of the message was completely and totally misspelled? Jesus spoke to my heart. I opened the message, hoping to get a "Ur cute," or a "Hi ;)," but instead, I got something much better. Something that changed my life forever:

Jesus Christ

2010-08-31 01:00:31

REPENT THE is hope for your soul. it's heaven or hell after you die. JESUS CHRIST IS COMING BACK EVRY EYE WILL SEE HIM EVERY KNEE WILL BOW & EVERY TONGUE WILL CONFESS JESUS CHRIST IS THE KING OF KINGS LORD OF LORDS! REPENT AND BELIEVE IN THE GOSPLE. GOD BLESS YOU

I know he's Jesus and everything, but does he really have to refer to himself in the third person?

Ryan Roschke

2010-08-31 01:01:32

Thanks Jesus! You're the best!

Sadly, I never got a response after that. I guess I didn't have everything Jesus was looking for. And it's sad that I'm not Jesus's Prince Charming. But it's okay. Jesus will find someone someday.

In all sincerity though, who's better off here?

Brb, I'm gonna go convert to heterosexuality.